My parents were in ministry. I grew up as a pastor's kid. I had the privilege of joining my parents while they sat with many well-known ministers over dinner. As a child I gleaned many things from these conversations, but one of the things I learned was that these ministers, no matter how well-known they were, were just as human and fallible as I was. One of the many beautiful things about God is that he uses imperfect people to build his kingdom. Thinking back to certain Biblical characters, we can see through the lives of David, Peter, and Paul amongst others, that God doesn’t expect perfection but rather, a willing heart. Through my interaction with leaders, I have found many willing hearts for the Lord even though the understanding of human issues and outworking in how they dealt with them were not always what I hoped for. I am reminded of the words of Paul who said “there is no one righteous, not even one,” (Rm 3:10b). If we can extend the same grace to our leaders to not always get things right, as we wish to be extended to us, then we will be in a better place to not give into offense when we go through difficult times and aren’t treated in the way we had hoped.
As I share about my experience with abuse it is important to remember that this is my story and abuse happens to men, women and children in similar and different ways. Women and children are not the only recipients of abuse. Intimate partner violence and domestic violence can be perpetuated against either gender in a marriage or relationship. There are many other types of abuse, not just physical, that should all be considered equally in terms of the nature of control and abuse within a relationship and their effects on the victim. This blog is written from my perspective as a Christian woman within a Christian marriage, and discussed primarily from that viewpoint, but I want to acknowledge before going any further that men can also be on the receiving end of abuse. The effects can be just as serious as with women, and need to be treated with the same care and attention.
The following stories I share with you, not to incriminate any of the leaders I have sat under, but to share many ways in which the story of the abuse I struggled with was received. Some of them were very caring, receptive and protective, and some could have done better had they had a better understanding of how to approach a woman in their congregation who was experiencing abuse. My hope is that in the reading of this blog, others will learn what is needed from victims of abuse in order to feel safe, and in order for them to get the help, support, and protection they need.
Through each of the separations that took place in my marriage, my ex husband and I were in different churches, and I was met with different responses from the pastors and leaders we were under. With the first separation, I was a worship leader at the church, and we were the young adult pastors of the congregation. When I was 3 months pregnant with our first child, my ex husband pushed me out of the car on the way to church on a Sunday morning. To make a long story short, our pastors took me in and gave me a safe place to live, giving me the full support I needed to get away from him. When I asked my pastor at the time about his thoughts on abuse, he relayed a story about how when he was a young minister, he was approached by one of the women in the church complaining about her husband’s abuse. He encouraged her to go back to her husband and get counseling. Unfortunately, not long after, her husband murdered her. Understandably, this shook my pastor to the core, and he made a decision at that point in time to never ignore abuse when he was told about it, and to do everything in his power to help any member of his congregation who came to him with a story of abuse. This is how he approached my situation when I told him what had happened. He and his wonderful wife immediately arranged a safe haven within the church for me to stay, and as he was good friends with my parents, contacted them to arrange for me to go back home across the country with them to receive the support I would need throughout the remainder of my pregnancy, and as a young mother. Unfortunately, my ex contacted me several months later, convinced me he had changed, repented to me and asked my forgiveness, and in my naivete, I took him back.
The second separation occurred when our first daughter was six months old. We were not in ministry at the time. I will not share the details of the situation that occurred, but my ex was arrested and charged by the police. Our pastors were supportive of the separation as our pastor’s wife had previously been in an abusive marriage herself with her first husband, and understood what it was like. One of the things I loved about the way they dealt with my situation was that they didn’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. They recognized that my husband was a hurting man, and after surviving abuse as a child himself, never had received the healing he needed to learn how to do life and relationship from a place of health. Once he was released from his charges, they arranged for him to spend time at a retreat center that specializes in Christian counseling and inner healing work. Their greatest desire, and eventually mine too, was for my ex-husband to receive the healing he needed to stop the pattern of abuse in its tracks and not carry it forward unto the next generation. He stayed there for several months and eventually moved back to the same town I was in. After just over a year of separation, he again convinced me that God had changed him, and that he was ready to be a healthy husband and father for our family.
The third separation happened over two years later. We were youth pastors at the time, and when I approached the pastors telling them what was happening at home, I was met with what sounded like supportive statements such as “ we believe in you guys,” and “we’ve seen God heal marriages worse than yours,” and other less supportive, guilt inducing statements like “ if you separate the youth group will fall apart.” These statements entirely negated everything I was going through and made me feel completely unsupported. It wasn’t until friends in the church took me and my two daughters in, that I finally had a way out. What I needed from my pastors was an ear of understanding, and to not downplay the abuse. After another year of separation, we eventually got back together again, perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
During our fourth separation, we were at a different church again, and I was met with statements such as, “we believe in the two of you together,” “God has a plan for the two of you,” and “any plans that God has for the two of you will be null and void if you separate.” Again, these statements sound marriage supporting and affirming, but when you are the abused partner, they come across as being affirming of the abusive spouse, and your experience is completely negated, as he was never called to account for his actions. I know what you may be thinking, “but you kept getting back together with him!” If you read the statistics, due to the trauma bond in abusive relationships, it is very common for victims to go through up to seven separations before finally getting free, especially if there are children involved. The coercive level of control involved in abusive relationships is something that is hard to understand until you experience it. If I had known better, I would have never gone back to him after the first separation.
After our fourth separation, we had 5 years of relative peace in our relationship. Peace meaning no physical abuse. The emotional neglect, verbal abuse, financial abuse and spiritual abuse were still taking place, but I didn’t understand that those were also forms of abuse that would never go away. The fifth and final separation took place after my ex husband also started physically abusing our older son. This led to our eventual divorce.
Our pastors at the time were completely supportive of my leaving and divorcing once and for all, and were very kind and empathetic to my situation, letting me know that I didn’t have to stay in this marriage and live this way for the rest of my life. They also told me that he was the one that had broken the covenant of marriage time and time again, and that it wouldn’t be me breaking it by divorcing him. This lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders that I didn’t even realize I had been carrying.
Pastors and leaders must hold situations of abuse very delicately, and only prayerfully from a fully informed position on all the aspects surrounding abuse, including the cycles of abuse, engage in the level of help that the victim is asking for. Unfortunately the help that is available through the secular realm is often very anti-Christian in nature. A Christian woman seeking help from many of the available women's resources out there will not receive faith affirming, or marriage affirming advice, and will often be met with radical or Marxist feminist culture that is completely contrary to the heart of God. The church can rise up as a place of help, healing, and safety for women (and any victim of abuse, including men) to go to in order to receive the healing that s(he) needs. My hope is that pastors and leaders will come to the understanding of the importance of their role in the lives and healing of victims of abuse, and not to dismiss nor enable the abuse to continue through their lack of understanding of the complexity of the issue.
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Helpful Resources from Hanna
Many of the resources that were available to me were based on the fact that I was a stay at home mom without any consistent income. Unfortunately several of these resources are income based, so may not be available to everyone, however, many of them are available to everyone regardless of income.
Ontario Works
During my third separation, I went and lived with friends out in the country who took my two daughters and I in for several months. Their kindness and generosity astounds me to this day. While there, I got connected with the local Ontario Works department (social assistance in the province I am in) which helped to cover the cost of my very low rent and some living expenses. It was not a lot, and in today’s housing market would barely touch a thing, however, at the time it helped a lot.
Shelters
During that time I also stayed at a women’s shelter for a few days to be able to access the programming there. The particular women’s shelter I stayed at felt incredibly “cold” and not welcoming at all, but it did point me in the direction of some services I could access such as counseling and legal aid.
Church Support
The church I was in at the time eventually connected me with a single older woman in the congregation that had two bedrooms I could rent from her with my two daughters.
During my fifth and final separation, my church really surrounded me. The women’s Bible study I was in helped with things like meals and donations of things I may need for the children (clothes, toys, diapers, formula, etc.) Additionally, my church also gave me a $200 grocery card, and the pastors brought me a lovely meal more than once. Their support and kindness encouraged me to no end.
Family Law Information Clinic
During that time, I accessed the Family Law Information Clinic, which showed me how to apply for Legal Aid and get a lawyer. I also attended a Women’s Centre to help get pointed in the direction and approved for other programming.
Counselling
I was also very focused on my own personal healing and attended counseling with an amazing female Christian counselor who specializes in Emotionally Focused Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and EMDR, which is a form of therapy that deals with how the body responds and holds on to trauma. God used this time in my life to bring healing to deep areas of grief and pain that had been embedded over our 13 year marriage.
Divorce Care
I also joined a local church based support group called Divorce Care, and took the 16 week program twice in order to connect with other Christians who were going through similar things. This support group was also incredibly instrumental in multiple ways during this difficult time.
Family
My parents have been incredibly supportive in getting me away from my ex. Without their support, I don’t even want to guess where I would be today. Following our fifth and final separation, I told them I wanted to go back to school to become a social worker and help other women who had gone through difficult times like myself and get them started on their healing journey. They were 100% behind me, and together they and my little family moved out to the country not too far from the University I was accepted in.
Child Care Fee Subsidy & Student Assistance
During that first year of school, my youngest children needed childcare so I could attend classes. I accessed the Child Care Fee Subsidy to put them in daycare. I also applied for Student Assistance and was given a grant that covered my entire tuition as well as afforded some extra funds for living expenses. During that time, we accessed some local family services that were geared to income, and got my children some counseling.
Child Tax Benefit
One last thing that has made it possible for me to support myself during this time was the adjustment of my child tax benefit, a benefit program we have in Canada for parents of children under the age of 18. The amount of benefit you are given is based on income, so as a single mother of 5 children at the time, my support level was increased by the government. They do require a 90 day separation before adjusting the support level, however, the adjusted level is given to you as a lump sum at the end of 90 days, and then the adjusted amount is added to your previous monthly child tax benefit amount.
Overall, I am beyond grateful for the resources that I was able to connect with, and the way that God so carefully held me and my children in His hands, taking care of our needs along the way. His amazing love continues to astound me to this day in the many different ways He provides, both through services I am still able to access, and the continued support of friends and family along the way. God’s love and care for the downcast and downtrodden and how He tends to our needs is miraculous to say the least. I am forever grateful to Him, and I pray that you, as my reader, will be able to experience His abundant provision in your journey as well.
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