Hanna shares her personal story of enduring 13 years of abuse in her marriage before it ended in divorce, highlighting the complexities and challenges faced by individuals in abusive relationships.
Sitting in my car the other day, listening to a song that was instrumental in my healing process, I was reminded of how far I’ve come from the woman who was trapped in an abusive marriage several years ago. I entered the covenant of marriage like most young Christian women, with belief that God would lead us and guide us and that even through life difficulties, that I was marrying a man who would love me, and I could love and serve God together with. I was a pastor’s daughter who had parents that showed me a beautiful picture of what marriage could be. They weren’t perfect, but it was my dream to have a marriage like theirs. They were an incredible example to me of what it looked like to love each other and serve God together every day of their lives.
I met my husband in Bible college. I was in my second year, and he was in his first year. His Australian accent had me at “hello,” and I was smitten with this handsome older man who promised me the world. I went into marriage with rose coloured glasses, and a Disney mindset that we would live “happily ever after.” It wasn’t until after we got married, that he started showing his true colours on our honeymoon. I remember the moment of our very first fight. I ran away from him, sitting out on the steps down to the garden of the apartment where we were staying, crying my eyes out. He never came to check on me or see if I was okay. Eventually, tucking my tail, I walked back into the apartment only to be met with cold indifference and harshness. This started a 13 year-long back and forth relationship filled with physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial abuse. This is not to say that in any way I was perfect in how I conducted myself in the relationship. I didn’t always react the best to him and how he treated me. I definitely also struggled with resentment and that affected how I responded to him. In the 13 years of our marriage, we also had two stints where we were in ministry, once as young adult pastors in our first year of marriage, and then again as youth pastors a little later. We also managed to have 5 children together, despite multiple separations and reconciliations. In fact, we separated 5 times in total, including twice where he was arrested for physical abuse. Each time, he managed to “win” me back until finally by the 5th separation when he started abusing our older son, I ended things once and for all.
Some may ask why I went back to him so many times. As a Christian, my biggest hope was that God could redeem and restore my marriage. We also had children together, and I didn’t want to face the shame of being a single mom within the church or have my children grow up without a father. I had hope that we wouldn’t be a statistic, but that our marriage would be a testimony of God’s amazing power to heal and bind up broken hearts and create a beautiful story of what He alone can do. But unfortunately, that never ended up being the case. Additionally, after every separation, he masterfully manipulated me back into believing that he had changed, and that this time would be different, but it never was.
I don’t tell you this story to ask for any level of sympathy out of you as my reader, but to open your eyes to the fact that abuse happens even within the church, and even amongst those who are in ministry. Abuse can happen even when you’ve met your spouse in Bible college. Abuse can happen even if your parents had a wonderful marriage and demonstrated to you daily what a godly marriage and family was supposed to look like. I am sharing this story with you so that if you are in an abusive marriage, you can realize that it needs not be your final story. If you do decide to leave, God can and does have amazing things for you on the other side of abuse. If you decide to stay, my hope is that both you and your spouse can receive the healing you need from God to go forward and create a healthy new road for you to travel together.
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that I believe in the covenant of marriage. God intended marriage to be between one man and one woman, and for it to be for life. Scripture outlines time and time again the importance of the covenant of marriage. God hates divorce. I hate divorce. It is never His plan for marriages to end, as it can lead to heartbreak and devastation on multiple fronts. His desire is always for healing and restoration, and for His story to be the truth that remains. However, I believe that He also never intended for marriage to be an institution that destroys those that are in it. It is the enemy that comes to steal, kill, and destroy, not God. If one partner in the marriage is partnering with the enemy’s plan instead of God’s, it is no longer safe for the partner that is on the recipient end of the abuse to stay. Can God heal marriages? Absolutely! But both partners must be seeking hard after Him for the healing and restoration to truly take place, and true repentance must take place, which means the abuser must acknowledge in humility where he (or she) harmed their spouse and do everything in their power to seek God for change.
In 2020, I made the decision to leave my husband once and for all. It was not an easy road, it never is. Legally, it was wrought with many obstacles to overcome. Financially, it put much strain on my children and me, and if it wasn’t for the support of my parents during that time, it wouldn’t have been possible to finally get away for good. Additionally, it put strain on relationships that my ex and I had developed together. Many people judged the situation without knowing the truth of what happened. Unfortunately, as I was going through my story, three other Christian friends were going through the same thing, some with supportive families, and some without. Unfortunately, some churches have not always been a safe space for women who need to get away from abuse, often encouraging them to go back to their abusive husbands and negating their experiences by telling them to “be a better wife,” “pray harder for their husbands,” and “just be submissive.” In my experience, when attempting to share your story with church leadership and friends, unless they have experienced abuse themselves, or have a close friend or relative that they have walked through the same issue with, then they often don’t have the capacity to truly understand what you are going through, and can’t fully understand what you need in the midst of the situation. Please be aware that if you are the person in the abusive situation, it can be a lonely path to attempt to get free but know that there are others out there who do understand and who you can find help and support through.
Thankfully, I can tell you that divorce was not the end of my story. I am thriving now in ways that I never thought possible. Following the separation, I went back to school to pursue a degree in social work. My desire is to be able to offer hope and respite to other Christian women and their children who are needing hope and a safe space to get out of abusive situations and rebuild their lives. The opportunities that God has opened to me over the last several years have opened my eyes to how much He is for me, not against me, and that His plans for me are for good, not for evil all the days of my life. I have also come to understand in a very real way how much God can and does seek to restore us unto Himself, and restore our lives, in spite of the sin we have dealt with, or the difficulties we have endured, to His true purpose. His arm is not too short, and His plan for our life extends beyond what our eyes can see or our circumstances seem to dictate. And yet, when we are in the midst of the storm, we often lose sight of His goodness and are only able to focus on the storm. One thing I came to really understand through the pain and through the process, and now through being on the other side where God is daily showing me His goodness, is how incredibly faithful He is. He is near to the broken-hearted and downtrodden and will not leave us to face our trials on our own. Through every challenge I have been through, through every difficulty I faced, He proved His faithfulness time and time again. If you are in an abusive situation, know that God loves you and sees your tears and His heart breaks with yours. There is help and hope available, and this does not need to be your final story.
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