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When I Fell Apart: My Journey Through a Nervous Breakdown

I needed a person in my line of vision at all times, or else I would panic.

I couldn’t stomach a morsel of food.

My physical strength had diminished to the point where I could only crawl from room to room, too weak and unsteady to walk.

I couldn’t stand in the shower, but taking a bath wasn’t an option either because that would mean being alone.

My fingers and hands were numb and tingly - the sensation of an electrical current coursing through my veins.

I was delusional and paranoid - in constant panic mode.

I couldn’t work, couldn’t walk, couldn’t eat, couldn’t smile. 

I could hardly even engage in basic conversation. 


One week after being discharged from the psych ward, I had a nervous breakdown. 


I can’t even tell you why. Perhaps COVID. Or my new job. Or chronic stress. Or the new medication I was on. Or just an accumulation of everything that was going on in my life - real or perceived.


I remember a friend called me, and the only thing that I could verbalize was, “I feel so afflicted.”


It took me over six months to recover from that breakdown. My ability to work was severely limited, and my academic performance plummeted. 


People ask me how I got through it. The answer is simple: grace. 

And community. 


Portions of Psalm 69, in particular, became my constant prayer:


Save me, O God!

    For the waters have come up to my neck.


I sink in deep mire,

    where there is no foothold;

I have come into deep waters,

    and the flood sweeps over me.


I am weary with my crying out;

    my throat is parched.

My eyes grow dim

    with waiting for my God…

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.    At an acceptable time, O God,    in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.

Deliver me    from sinking in the mire;let me be delivered from my enemies    and from the deep waters.

Let not the flood sweep over me,    or the deep swallow me up,    or the pit close its mouth over me.

Answer me, O Lord, for your steadfast love is good;    according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.

Hide not your face from your servant,    for I am in distress; make haste to answer me.

Draw near to my soul, redeem me;    ransom me because of my enemies!


Some songs that were a source of comfort to me were:

  1. The Night Song by City Alight

  2. Emmanuel by Scripture Lullabies

  3. There is a Hope by Keith and Kristen Getty

  4. Whate’er My God Ordains is Right by Sovereign Grace

  5. Lord From Sorrows Deep I Call by Matt Boswell and Matt Papa


Other Bible passages that encouraged me were:

  1. Psalm 25, 27, 86, 116

  2. Lamentations 3

  3. Matthew 6:25-34

  4. Romans 8

  5. Philippians 4

It was around the time of my nervous breakdown that I was connected with wrap-around - a support system of several women, guided by two facilitators. They provided guidance and encouragement as I worked through my challenges. Together, we identified my needs, established clear goals, and developed a safety plan.

I would not have gotten through that dark, scary time without the presence of the Lord and of others. 





 
 
 

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